By Kelli C. Trinoskey
My 20-year old daughter just joined Tinder and showed me a few of her swipes last night. Man, are those boys good looking. She told me she was coached by a guy friend that she had to be decisive when gauging her interest on who to swipe right. I am 47 and I recently joined Zoosk. At my age, you have to rely on more than staged and photoshopped photos to know whom to wink at, answer yes, no or maybe to wanting to meet (which means nothing) or send or answer messages. I may be in the minority, but I actually read profile names and actual profiles (after looking at the corresponding picture) to gauge word choice and tone. After all, word play is foreplay for a writer. If someone messages me, I feel I owe a response. Here are a few of the responses I thought up but didn’t send:

Dear Totally Lonely,
You quite obviously did not run your profile name by any of your gal pals, am I right? Don’t you have any female coworkers? Sisters? No?! An aunt?
You have to vet this shit or you are never going to hook up.
Even though I am sure there are many lovely ladies out there looking to take on another project, I am not one of them. I am so not into that shit anymore. I do not want to have to even contemplate having to change someone even a little bit. Not even a simple thing – like being the one to break it to a guy that mullets are not okay and the middle part is NOT back – let alone tackle black belt codependency.
Ain’t nobody got time for that, especially me.
Nevertheless, thanks for the message. It is nice to feel appreciated. Best of luck to you in finding that special gal.

Dear Looking for #1,
Sadly, you are going to have to keep looking. I do not know if you noticed that not only are we from totally different cities, we are from two different regions of the US. That would mean a lot of miles to cover for a first date, don’t you think? I drive a hybrid but still.
I did want to thank you for the Teddy Bear gift. I haven’t figured out to do any of the bells and whistles yet but hope to find five extra seconds between my full time job and my three kids to really spruce up my profile and wink at a few of you fine men.
Best of luck to you in finding someone closer to home. (Unless you are a trucker or something and you don’t care how far you have to drive for a date.)

Dear Nerdy One,
You had me at nerd. You even have the nerd glasses going on. I think most girls are secretly turned on by nerds. One thing though, in your message you asked me about my picture. I know, I was lazy and I didn’t crop out my three beautiful girls, totally my bad. But, if you were a true nerd, would you have missed a typo in your question to me – “witch one are you?” And can you really not discern which one is the mom?
I am guessing you are not the kind of guy to play scrabble for hours by a fire in the winter? Or cuddle on the couch reading The New York Times on Sundays? Or watch Jeopardy? (See, I am a nerd too)
So sorry, but you and I would never work, trust me on this.
I hope you find a gal who is not a stickler for spelling or proper use of homonyms.
​ ​
​
Dear “A Few Extra Pounds”,
After you sent me a wink, I looked at your profile pictures. You saying that you have a ‘few extra pounds’ is a bit of a stretch. Do not get me wrong, I am all for honesty. I appreciate that in a guy. However, you are in some serious denial. You might want to get off your computer and your couch and walk that dog that is licking your face in your profile picture. Looks like he/she could use some exercise as well. Just saying.
I hope you find that special girl who likes you for you. I have to go to yoga to tackle my ass cellulite so I can contemplate getting naked with someone I meet on this dating site
​.

After over a month, I’ve moved to texting with two guys which seems to be the online dating next step. It’s actually a nice and natural step because then you don’t have to be on the actual dating site which leads to more winks, views, and general stalking because others know when you are there and there is an inevitable flood of chat requests and messages from guys hoping for a response in real time. I have gone on six dates (all with the same guy). Things have cooled a bit so it is back to the proverbial drawing board. What I have learned? It’s all in the profile. Words written in black and white that can be read, re-read, analyzed and over analyzed (things I do really well) hold clues to a person’s priorities and self image. How attributes are listed and i
​n​ what order, says a lot. What is written and what is left out speaks volumes.
I have decided to commit to a profile name other than Zoosk member 00747 (not my real
​id as ​I want to deter millions of messages). I also rewrote my profile with descriptors culled from the many great profiles I have read:

RealDeal
I am the total package; brains, beauty and buoyancy. I love three girls, my job and my life which means I work really hard to get up every day, kick ass and then repeat. I do yoga and work out to stay sane. I am legit no drama and make time for the important things. I like to laugh, a lot and will generally try anything once. (Please keep all thoughts right now PG, while I may not be a princess, I am a ladyJ)