So, this is a piece…

So, this is a piece that I’m planning to submit to the Scary Mommy blog. If you’re not familiar with it, it’s a mostly-humorous/irreverent take on parenting (aimed at moms, obviously).

Toddler Development: A Realistic Assessment
This simple test will help you determine if your toddler is hitting all the appropriate developmental milestones.

Gross Motor Skills
Does your child:
a. Pull self up to stand
b. Pull self up to stand using exclusively furniture upon which hot cups of coffee are balanced
c. Pull self up to stand using sibling’s hair

Does your child:
a. Squat to pick up a toy
b. Squat to pick up a toy belonging to child next to him, then hit child in face repeatedly when she tries to take toy back
c. Squat to pick up dog poop

Does your child:
a. Walk independently
b. Walk independently, but stumble randomly over invisible obstacles and regularly run into walls, so that other parents secretly think you are spiking your child’s bottle with whiskey
c. Run immediately into the street whenever allowed outdoors

Does your child:
a. Climb onto and down from couch or chair unsupported
b. Climb onto and down from bookcase unsupported, allowing her to reach the one unchipped decorative item in remaining in your house
c. Climb onto roof

Fine Motor Skills

Does your child:
a. Pick up a cheerio with thumb/index finger
b. Pick up a piece of cat food with thumb/index finger
c. Pick up a piece of cat food with thumb/index finger and quickly shove it up his nose

Does your child:
a. Scribble spontaneously
b. Scribble spontaneously on wall
c. Scribble spontaneously on wall with permanent marker

Does your child:
a. Stack four or more blocks
b. Stack four or more blocks, then cry uncontrollably for 10 minutes when his block tower falls over after she tries to stack a fifth block
c. Mostly just throw blocks at your nose

Does your child:
a. Put objects in a big container
b. Put objects in a big container with an opening too small for an adult hand
c. Put your car keys in a big container with an opening too small for an adult hand

Does your child
a. Turn over container to pour out contents
b. Turn over container to pour out graham crackers on your bed
c. Turn over container to pour out paint all over the kitchen floor. At your in-laws’ house.

Does your child
a. Poke with index finger
b. Poke eye with index finger
c. Poke neighbor’s dog’s eye with index finger

Language Development

Does your child:
a. Respond to no
b. Respond to no by screaming and throwing body repeatedly on ground until you must drag her away writhing and wailing, causing onlookers to assume you are a child abductor
c. Respond to no by rolling eyes

Does your child:
a. Use one word in addition to mama or dada
b. Use one word in addition to mama or dada, over and over again at the top of his lungs, but only at times/in places where you really need him to be quiet
c. Use one word in addition to mama or dada. It’s a swear word.

Does your child:
a. Repeat sounds or actions to get attention
b. Repeat the phrase “poo-poo stinkhead butterfly” to get attention
c. Break things to get attention

Does your child:
a. Point to items she wants
b. Pull on your face until it points to the item she wants
c. Wait until you are out of the room to get items she wants but knows she isn’t supposed to have

Does your child:
a. Respond to simple verbal commands
a. Respond to simple verbal commands with a primal scream reminiscent of a scene from Saw
b. Pointedly ignore simple verbal commands

Problem Solving

Does your child:
a. Explore objects in many different ways
b. Explore breakable objects in many different ways
c. Explore breakable objects that belong to other people in many different ways

Does your child:
a. Find hidden things easily
b. Find hidden “adults-only” things easily
c. Find hidden “adults-only” things easily, and proudly show them to your grandmother when she comes for a visit

Does your child:
a. Start to use things correctly; for example, drink from a cup, brush hair
b. Start to use things correctly; for example, drink from your wineglass, lock bathroom door from inside
c. Attempt to use the car correctly

Does your child:
a. Hand you a book when he wants to hear a story
b. Hand you a book when he wants to hear a story, even though you have purposefully “hidden” it in the trash can so you never have to read it again
c. Hand you an iPad when he wants to hear a story

Personal/Social Skills
Does your child:
a. Test parental responses to his actions during feedings
b. Test parental response to his actions during feedings by throwing spaghetti
c. Test parental responses to his actions during feedings by throwing spaghetti so many times that you now eat all meals on the dining room floor

Does your child:
a. Extends arm or leg to help when getting dressed
b. Extend arm or leg to help when getting dressed, wait until clothes are nearly on, then wriggle out of clothes so you have to start over again
c. Extend leg to kick you when getting dressed

Does your child:
a. Imitate behavior of others, especially adults and older children
b. Imitate behavior of others, especially that one really bratty kid at daycare
c. Imitate behavior of your dog

#elsewhere

Dennis Hong 7:43 pm on June 21, 2015

Interesting. I like it. Since this is so vastly different than the stuff that goes on Musings, though, I’m only going to comment on it from a comedy-writing perspective.

Anyway, in comedy, there’s a “rule of three,” where number one and number two act as the setup, and then number three is the punchline. As much as I like most of your jokes, I think you lose some of their effectiveness when you have two punchlines for each point. Personally, I think what you can do is make each point b slightly sarcastic in tone, but shorter and way more subtle, and then really exaggerate each point c and make it as outrageous as possible. Generally speaking then, each point c should be the longest word-wise. From a humor perspective, that will be the most effective way to build up each joke.

But yes, I understand that it’s hard to edit or cut your own jokes, so it’s totally up to you. If it will help, here’s something I wrote for Cracked a few years ago, which contains some of these setup-punchline combos that you may want to use for reference:

http://www.cracked.com/funny-4441-should-you-post-that-status-update/

Of course, I’m not saying I’m the king of comedy or anything (maybe more like a jack or… a jester? Is that redundant?), but I have studied the art of humor for some time now, so feel free to take my advice for what it’s worth. Which is to say… free.
- Mary Jo 8:13 pm on June 21, 2015
  
  I like it a lot and think it generally fits some of the things I’ve seen on Scary Mommy. I agree with Dennis on the ‘rule of three’ advice and making point C the longest of the three or most exaggerated. I think the most effective ones you have are your first section, and the less effective ones are the ones where point C essentially repeats point B but adds only a little bit to it. My three favorite are: walk/stumble/run, climb couch/bookcase/roof, and respond to no/tantrum/rolling eyes. Maybe play with going to opposite extremes with points B and C, or with extreme maturity?
  - Dennis Hong 8:17 pm on June 21, 2015
    
    Oh yeah, speaking of opposite extremes, something else to consider is the art of misdirection. If you can get your audience thinking in one direction on a and b, and then pull the so-called rug out from under them with c, that can be hilarious.
    
    One of my favorite misdirection one-liners is from Sarah Silverman:
    
    “When I was in high school, I dated my dad’s best friend. And that’s kind of weird, you know — my dad having a 15-year-old best friend.”
    - Katie M. 9:23 am on June 22, 2015
      
      This is good feedback, thanks.
      
      Yes, I was struggling with the best way to do the 3-response format. I get what you guys are saying about using the first two options as a setup. My concern is that if I follow that format throughout the whole thing, it might start to seem really…predictable? Boring? So maybe the idea about having the second answer be an “extreme” toddler response, and the third something that’s more akin to a teenager’s response? Other options? (Sidenote: all those “extreme” toddler behaviors in this piece? They’re basically actual experiences with mine or my friends’ kids. Parenthood is fun.)
      
      Also, I can definitely cut this down–either by including fewer subcategories in each section, or by cutting an entire section. Opinions?
      - Dennis Hong 9:39 am on June 22, 2015
        
        Yeah, I get what you’re saying about varying it up, but in this case, the regularity might establish a comfortable rhythm and pace for your readers, so it’s hard to say whether that’s a bad thing.
        
        One thing you could try is to vary up the number of choices in each question, but overall, this is a pretty established formula that works, so I’m not sure whether deviating from it will help or hurt the piece.
        
        Besides, too much variation here might be like saying, “Well, we want to vary up the scenery on the drive from San Diego to LA. Why don’t we randomly change the number of lanes every few miles?”
        
        To use an analogy that might work for you…. 🙂